What's on my wishlist??

For this new year.. I have loads of demands.. and hopes

1) A new job
2) More travelling
3) Chance to write more and better stories
4) A bunch of good friends
5) To live with people
6) To decorate my new house ( which I'll rent at a new place)
7) To get my share of fame
8) To buy a car or scooter
9) Go on a road trip... :)

New Shoes

They rub, I grimace
Skin peels, I hurt
My tiny toes feel the pinch, yet I subject them to the torture of new shoes..

But the urge to wear and buy new shoes is limitless... They spread in you a kind if new blood that goes unexplained... With new shoes on, the world suddenly seems brighter...

The lure of inviting new shoes to tread the world is alluring... a feeling that goes unexplained

I was strolling along the world in my new shoes feeling the pinch... hoping like everything else once it curves around my feet.. my toes won't feel the pinch.. :D

And yes..... its was a cold bleary Tuesday morning that I felt like putting on some new shoes... and now I'm always running late.... :D

On a song

A friend wrote this about me today.. and it made me happy...

Close your eyes when she smiles!
For if it does not bind you,
It shall truly blind you! ♫

Happiness is such a drug.. and you want it more.. want days to be filled with more of it.. sometimes its not really in your hands.. sometimes it is...

I want more shots of it, jabs of it everyday.. I'm willing to endure a bit of pain for a lifetime of everyday jugs of throaty laughter and happiness... fa la la la...

I'll willingly buy Christmas

Boundless amount of energy, chirpiness in the air.. full of life despite being at work on Christmas eve.... no depression.. just happy smiles.. waiting to hear carols.... and the joy of having received my first gift.. How bad can it be.... :) It can't be!

As I was running down the stairs to give my second gift to a friend for Christmas, I ran past 3 downcast-looking depressed people. And I felt suddenly alive... Alive and kicking for being the way I'm.. Hyperactive, some may term it, but that is because they don't understand the uncontrolled and unbridled cheer and love the festival brings in.. Maybe it is because of all the red stars and the fake Christmas trees around.. But still, I'm buying it.. Rather I'm wiling to subdue to the con of Christmas... And I felt like telling them.. 'Smile, Tis the season of cheer'.. they looked at me with eyes that said.. 'Is this woman mad, what is there to be so happy about? Prices are high, I can't make ends meet'. Hoping they find their stocking full of happiness by tomorrow...

I can't but help humming :
♫ I feel it in my fingers,
I feel it in my toes,
Christmas is all around me,
and so the feeling grows ♪

It's written in the wind,
It's everywhere I go,
So if you really love Christmas,
C'mon and let it snow?

You know I love Christmas ♪
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end ♫
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend

You gave your presents to me
And I gave mine to you
I need Santa beside me
In everything I do ♫

Fa lalala ♫ Again this is the movie version... but love it soo ♪

Finding god in India

Sometimes I wonder whether the concept of searching for one's spirituality in India is a lost concept.. Isn't it over-rated.. how is it that people who have absolutely no clue about religion or the rigours of a religious life 'FIND GOD' at the end of their three-month or 6-month soul-searching vacation. Is the quest to find GOD really time-bound and how does it always happen within vacation time??

Isn't all this just hogwash and bunkum and ..... just to cater to the Western hippie cum tourist crowd?

I mean what is it about India that evokes the search for truth?? the naked sadhus who have the legitimate right to smoke weed while the rest of us are more than just a chillum away from it.

Or the crowds that throng temples and banks of rivers.. or is it the evident show of wealth at Tirupati or Sabarimala... or for that matter any temple with rich patrons...

If people were to take a breezy walk away from capitalism, away from the chaos in the world, won't they find answers to whatever they are seeking....

Is poverty soooo alluring.. poverty caused by mismanagement, ruthlessness and corruption.

Are you guys blind... Even Babar, the first mughal emperor, has his list of complaints about India. And it went thus:

Hindustan is a country of few charms. There are no good-looking people, there is no social intercourse, no receiving or paying of visits, no genius or manners. In its handicrafts there is no form or symmetry, method or quality. There are no good horses, no good dogs, no grapes, musk-melons or first-rate fruits, no ice or cold water, no good bread or food cooked in the bazaars, no hot baths, no colleges, no candles, torches or candlesticks.

And this is not to say that I dislike my country... no I do not.. Where else can I live amidst a myriad of colours interwined with chaos that it describes almost every walk of life...

Chaltha Hai, Kya Karenge rules the roost and Everything is like that only in India... :)

Sometimes I wonder why this background... doesn't make sense at all..

supposed to be for the travellers, at least the name suggests so...

But I'm a traveller too.. sitting at my desk.. colours and sights of the world confound me.. makes me pine for all things fresh and green..
But.. sometimes money is never there and friends are not abroad either.. Sooo have never been able to travel.. But I'm hoping to reverse that next year... Let's see where all I can go...

Waiting is tiring

I'm tired of waiting for a job to come my way... Have applied wherever I can and have got an id..sometimes even that doesn't seem to be enough..

I was hoping not to end the year in Hyderabad.. and now when depression sets in, I feel, I will be here for a long time....

I really have no clue as to why I'm still stuck here...

What do I want???

A job where I can write about social issues, fashion, lifestyle and meet famous people... It gives me this kick like no other... It's a drug into itself.. but no nothing is happening on that front..

Dreams galore but reality pinches....

Quel dommage.....

I have enrolled for French classes... I have no reason why.. Woke up one morning, realised life is ebbing away and I have nothing to show.. no contributions, no impressive resume, no boyfriend ...

This is to impress myself in old-age.. and not to wow the world at large...

Learning a new language has always given me jitters... only because I have failed miserably at it always.. Was introduced to Arabic when I was young.... had to learn it by rote for oral tests.
During vacations, a hapless Malayalam tutor would try to ink on my mind the nuances of my mother-tongue. He went home a disappointed man. I learnt to speak it only because of my parents, then also it's Manglish that is spoken at home.

Hindi was my second language at school.... the masculinity and femininity of it all brushed me the wrong way. And the teacher who taught it was a fat man who only cared about adjusting his briefs in class. So it also went out of the window... :D

French was my third language in school. I would barely pass, what with feminine books and masculine boards. I never got a hang of why they had to bring the warring clans into languages... So I changed schools where my third language was Special English... Now who can beat that..

Then I moved to Tamil Nadu for higher studies... thankfully, I could comprehend the language by the time my friends learnt to read and write it.

Bangalore came calling then! Kannada I can understand a bit only because my colleagues would bitch about our team leader in it. The un-popular fella was a Bihari, who grew up in Uttar Pradesh. He has all the uselessness of the cow-belt species. So to be privy to the gossip, I was forced to take help of a considerate fellow mallu to grasp it.

Welcome to the Gulti land! A place that I wouldn't have wanted to come even if they offered me a palace. Sadly, it came in the name of a job, when I knew I had to get my life on the track. I still can't understand much.. because I hardly know any native. Boy! am I glad. They are the most crass people you'll meet on planet earth, with all their love for everything feudalistic, loud behaviour and goonda-raj. PS: There are a few good ones too, but that will be quite a hunt.

So that brings us back to naught..

Alliance Francaise was closer home, a new batch was beginning and I though maybe it was the right to shoo away my fear of anything alien. Quel soulagement!

Taking stock of life

What am I doing here? I have no clue!! This is certainly not what I signed up for 3.5 years ago...
And i can't make any sense of why I'm doing this.. I remain disillusioned as ever...

It's a Sunday and a beautiful one at that... and I'm here sitting in my pink-coloured, TV-on-the-wall, freezing office surrounded by people whom I don't care for. It is the same other way too!

I definitely don't want to grow old this way.. no life, no motivation .. and driven to despair...

Am I a journalist.. I don't think so.. working at a newspaper house on teh desk definitely doesn't mean I'm one.. An armchair journalist... a bad one too..

I want to travel not just to see places but also as a part of work, to make a difference in someone's life, achieve something noteworthy to myself, help a poor child make a mark in this world....

So many dreams gone astray... and here I'm moaning about it and not doing anything.. Just blogging...

What life is!!!!

Suum Cuique

It's a new day, a new hope

Each day is a new one, will lots to offer, lots to read; for anyone not barricading their minds. Sometimes that's all we need to do in life. Be a sponge!

No! not in the bad sense, that we should take all the blows that come our way. Then give it back, immediately. The joy is unbound, the regret comes later.

Didn't intend to digress. So, learning all we can while we can opens us to sights we may never see, smells we may never savour, food we may never relish. But, we all want to.

To constant learning!!

Take a bow!

An Untimely death.... as if death is ever timely.

All of 25. Achieved more than what most of us do in 25 summers. Ace archery coach Lenin dies in an accident as he swerves his SUV to avoid an autorickshaw. The vehicle topples, killing him instantly, while 3 others escape unhurt. God’s personal joke, I suppose. He leaves behind an even-younger wife.

And it’s not the first tragedy in the family. His sister Volga died when she was 11 and in her memory the family has set up an archery training centre. The same centre which produced 3 CWG medallists for India.

Lenin started young. He began to win medals as an 11-year-old boy. Topped several national and
Asian competitions and took to coaching to pass on the bow and arrow legacy.

No, I do not know the family personally. But, I do not get the life and death game. A coach who made a difference to the poor in Vijayawada. A coach who was a part of the institution for the love of the game rather than for the returns. A coach without airs. His death leaves many archers bereft of an excellent trainer within their reach.

Instead of letting such people live, the Reddy brothers, the Gowdas and the Laloos are let to thrive and multiply like rabbits.

Isn’t God a saddist or what?

Sometimes I wonder, If I were to die now what my accomplishments would be. Zilch! And none to say a good word either.

Everything's in a name

What’s in a name, one might think! Sadly everything’s in a name.

What’s it with Hyderabad and the rest of India to christen everything after Rajiv and Indira and sometimes after her father too. How many of Indira structures are we going to have, much more than Rajiv, I suppose. It might be their personal joke in hell (They just couldn’t have gone to heaven, such narcissists and demons they were) to see who gets one up, mother or son. Poor father, he is not even in the picture. To digress, he gave them their surname that they hang on to. Everything has to be named after these two nuts. The Lalita Kala Thoranam in the city is going to be re-christened as (Yes, you are right!) Rajiv Lalita Kala Thoranam. Incredible! What has this man done for kala? Even Sarojini Naidu couldn’t have convinced me.

We have a Rajiv Gandhi International airport in the state and I wonder where else. Aren’t there anyone else worthy enough? Please not YSR... another conman. Maybe the Nizams, after all they gave Hyderabad its famous biriyani (No, it’s not as great they make it out to be). If not the Nizams, what about the kings or the scientists or academicians or artistes. Aren’t there enough people to choose from? I can name a few — Sarojini Naidu, S. Radhakrishnan, Kancha Illiah, Fawad Tamakanat, SPB (yes, he is a Telugu fellow). Each one good in his or her field. Why not them?

What is with the Nehru clan and their names? It doesn’t even sound exotic enough to replicate it everywhere. How can one forget Indira is the reason for the bleakest portion of Indian history — the emergency, the Sikh riots, press blackout and god knows what else. Her son Rajiv is not far behind. Bofors — has one forgotten this. I suppose so! With Congress in power, they make sure it’s conveniently forgotten. The rapes in Sri Lanka when the Indian Army was there ‘helping’ was during Rajiv’s time. Wouldn’t you want to murder the man who molested your child? But no!! When it’s the Nehru clan, everyone else is wrong. I’m not sure it has happened, but I can’t be sure it didn’t happen either. LTTE must have had a reason then at least.

We say we are a democracy, then how is it that Rajiv becomes the PM after his mom’s death and not my father? Isn’t this monarchy wrapped and dolled up as democracy and served to us in a shop? Rajiv, who had no experience in politics. Rajiv, who was a techie when the rest of us didn’t have a computer. Rajiv, who just wanted a quiet life with his Italian doll. What was so visionary about him?

Charisma, I suppose got them this far and will get them on more name boards I suppose. I plead for my sake and everyone’s sake, give credit to the real architects who shaped the thoughts, the skyline and the palate of the city. Give them their due when they are alive. After I’m dead, I don’t care. Neither does Indira or Rajiv. If you insist on crowing the dead, there are more choices, I assure you than the mother-son duo.

Hamlet's curse

To do or not to do? The eternal question and to find it out is not even half way close to easy. I don’t know... There are signs all over not wanting me to go travelling there is just one sign saying maybe you should. What do I do.. I don’t have much money.. everyone I ask no one seems to want to come with me.. and I’m really fed up of doing everything alone...

It began with Goa, then Singapore and Malaysia, then Nepal, Shillong... nothing ever came out of anything.. Goa — Bindu doesn’t seem interested, Singapore & Malaysia — Neither Vivek nor Jyothi could accommodate me .. Both said "parents are there"... left me totally disappointed. Then came along Sajeev with Nepal, but then his roomy said No to girls tagging along and when N&S asked me to go with them to Shillong, I figured the ticket rates were too high for me. In between all this got myself registered on to CouchSurfing, hoping for Brazil.... few responded.. few didn’t.. but that is way too far for me and needs so much planning which I can’t or rather not good at doing it alone.. Tried travellingsisters, but realised a detailed, planned-to-the-T trip wasn’t my cup of hot chocolate either.

In between all this tucked away was Sri Lanka. Rithika said she was interested but then came along the silence...

A sentence I read a few days ago got me thinking — If all you ever did was all you’ll do, then all you’ll ever do is all you ever did. Inspired, I mailed this acquaintance I know in Sri Lanka... and he was more than overjoyed to welcome me over to his country... Karthik said he would even help me plan the itinerary... beginning from the budget... A welcome surprise it was.

Then the questions came along... My parents won’t like it. They will ask a lot of questions. One more reason they will have to fight me out now.

In times like these I wish I had a sounding board or at least I wish God would answer. Someone who thinks I can pull it off? Faith, I lack. Trust, I misplaced.

Somewhere, deep inside, I almost wished he would say No. Because I’m scared of doing it alone. Because I’m really scared of not being able to pull it.

Should I take a chance, a leap of faith in myself.

Dream On.....

Sometimes there is this urging need for someone you can call just your own, someone who even at the ghost hour you can call and weep, someone who is willing to come over to console you, take you for a drive because you have hit that rock-bottom of despair and 'coz you matter.

Yesterday, I felt the need for someone to just hug me after a reeling day at work.... It's like there is an emotional vacuum there 'coz friends are few and far...

I wish this vacuum too comes to pass as I too have a dream to live, a dream to share and especially a dream of laughters....

Promises....

I hope to save as much as I can to quench my wanderlust thirst...

I hope to make new friends along the way to form my circle of trust

I want a new job that makes me happy and not grumpy and irritable

I need to write more, it kicks in the paradise i want to float in

Random notes..

Life is such a biaaaaaaaaaaaaatch.. and the I am most happy being the biaaaaaaatch.. I wonder why??

sometimes it feels do good just to bitch about and gossip about others.. though I wouldn't want my friends to do that about me.. :) Weird!!!

I'd rather they told me about it.. so that I can give my reasons for behaving sooo.. :)

Sometimes I think people just don't understand me.. I say something and they take off on ta different tangent.. makes me wonder how the human thought process works..

I feel.. there are two sides to me.. both of which have to me unlocked liked a series of doors.. sometimes you get in through the pretty door and sometimes through the devil's door.
But, if you strive you'll see the good.. Not enough in me to let people in so easily..

But why do I make it difficult to let people see me? Is it coz I'm afraid of getting hurt if I let them in too close? Or is it coz Iwant to be sure of whom I'm letting in???

Why can't we just be... open and warm... full of live and romance in our every move..

Maybe I'll sww how much of that I can live up to.. a Mt. Everest of a task..

Being single....

O.K. I hate couples... I hate that they are into each other all the time. I hate the romance-is-in-the-air bit. I hate that they have each other on holidays and that they don’t have to count on the not-so-reliable friends. In short I miss companionship. Makes me miss the times I had a boyfriend, a schmuck. I knew I had someone who would still come and meet me... spend time with me talking about nothing but something, take me out on a drive and spend more time squabbling.. :)

Life is not so rosy when you are single. Everyone who is in a relationship complains, but that’s just so that people don’t get jealous of their happiness. Or so I feel. Ask them if they’d prefer being single to being in a relationship, they’d probably tell you being single is better. But, secretly I’m sure they’d wish otherwise. Who would want to spend two days alone? Who would want to do daily mundane things alone? Who would want to travel alone? When the presence of someone else can pepper your day with ups and downs. Who would not want to be someone’s muse?

but, does it have its benefits... sometimes aye..

I have always wanted my circle of friends.. but sadly I have never had that. Maybe it’s the mean streak or the selfishness in me that people don’t like. Or maybe I don’t trust people enough to let them close to even peep through.

Life is where you hope to be the main actor but you don’t even end up with the side roles.

Sometimes I keep waiting for life to begin, not realising I'm living it...

Up in the Air

Finally...... this is up and maybe running ...
have wanted to do this for a very long time.. but never got around to doing it.. and this time the push came from Sunil.. Thank you..

He chewed on my brain for a very long time and i told him id get this running.. and I have Yippeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!