In the mind of the leader

Excerpts from the diary entry of Penny, the PMO Chief Secretary 

Dhyaanam Dheyam Narasimham; Dharmaardha Moksham Narasimham
Poornnam Brahmam Narasimham; Thwameva Sarvam Narasimham

The tune was soothing and melodious to wake to every morning, much better than Dancing Queen. At least this one made NaMo, or Nari bai to a select few, feel like he had his pulse on Kerala politics. It was the anthem of their manliest star, Mohanlal, who came jiggling his paunches and twirling his mooch. How hot! ABBA’s Dancing Queen sometimes reminded him of Madame G’s saudagar chorus, but sadly, it made him reminisce about that once cute-looking Vivek Mushran.

Such unholy thoughts are not right in the morning. Waking up to look pretty for the whole country was a task. Thankfully, these days he didn’t have much work to do other than flash his Dhokla cheeks, choose shin-hugging chudi-bottomed suits and smile for cameras. That is not easy work; not being tall, dark or handsome. Everything depended on clothes.

The most important ceremonies of the year included walking to the Parliament for every session. It was his red carpet moment. In the Parliament, thankfully Nari bai didn’t have to do much; his crew has made much money in TV appearances where they try to scream louder than the Gai-swami dude. So it’s all easy-peasy.

Jetty sir’s thoughts on rape victims are legendary – that one minor incident in December has lowered tourist traffic. How sad. With the Union Budget around the corner, sir is on pins and needles again. Forget about lower tourists and those silly rapes, he was solely responsible for the minor tsunami in the market when he suggested the fiscal deficit for 2014-15 is 4.5 per cent.   

But, it has been easy for the party to recover. It’s a circus, after all. Bindi aunty has been suggesting that Bhagwad Gita is the national book and will solve everyone’s problems. Maybe the book is her ‘intelligence source’, which proved Rohit Vemula is not a Dalit. King uncle thinks all problems can be re-routed to Pakistan. It’s so simple and Twitter is the proof. Even the fugitive Hafiz Saeed chirped in mirth. He thinks the Indian government is a joke. Well, sadly mostly people do. Sorry, we are digressing.

Bahu rani has been killing it these days; she finally has got her 13 seconds of fame. Even her six-day graduation tale from Yale and her tryst as a bahu didn’t grant her so many shares. Finally, after five years, the Parliament became her set and the other MPs side-kicks. Behenji is her only match, what with that Dalit woman screaming Rohit Vemula’s name. Such a nuisance. Thank God for JNU. Bahu rani can show the rest of the country what her brand of patriotism is. Otherwise she would have lost her head for Bharat Mata. Durga ma ki jai!

The Bhakts and the knicker fuckers could be counted on to find a new issue every fortnight. Thankfully, the drama brigade proved Vemula wasn’t a Dalit any more, the leftist JNU was full of anti-nationals and freedom of speech is only for Ramzadon. Rashtriya Schizophrenic Sangh was proving to be useful for trolling beef eaters, Afzal Guru worshippers in Delhi (In J&K, it is their right to do so), Pakistanis, pseudo secularists and for unearthing Jesus’ last meal on earth – idli and dosa. 

They taught Gassy pretty well. He wants innocence to be proven. Tables have turned at last.  

It’s a blessing Gassy ensured Kumar and Khalid are behind bars. We thought those skeletons would compete against us in the 2019 polls. Rashid is a woman; so no worries. Nari sir has only Rs 4,700 in his account. All this hippie travelling would come to an end. Even selling that land of his will not be enough to cover the remaining 160 countries. And Antarctica too.

For the rest of the issues, Nari bai has baldy thatha who will even swallow his words to protect bai’s integrity and interests. Sallu bhai has become Hanuman for us and his father created our ideologue online. Bollywood is on the right side. Nari bai was muttering that the Pathan Khan should be put in his place; he is bringing alcohol into the land of Gandhiji. He occasionally forgets that it was the first Bhakt who killed the nangu specky. I think amnesia comes with the pressure of the job.

Having these right-wingers on our side is an advantage, Nari sir was saying. Pathankot velagiri was forgotten in a blink. Anti-Nationalists have let us turn a blind eye to all the Jat damage and water shortage. That Judge complained; how dare he? He just didn’t have water for his garden while the rest didn’t even have water in the toilet. 

With the exchange rate is soaring, all those Facebook posts of foreign vacations will stagger to a stop. No more jealousy. It will be good for my karma. The markets are crashing, so money is also dwindling. Good, I bought gold biscuits. 

Anyway, all this gives my boss ample time to look at the map and play ‘inky, pinky, ponky’. He is worried everyone will realise he hasn’t been to Africa. Those Africans give him a complex; he can’t tower them and with their colourful clothes, he will be lost in the picture. Egypt is too dangerous, maybe south Africa should be checked out. A lot of white people are there. 

 

Oh no, I can hear him call for me. Toodles!