The nowhere girl

Where do I belong? Where do i root myself.. In a transitional world. I can call no place home. Home is far and too disjointed to say I want to return. Kerala is where others would say is my home.. but I can't.

Sure, I do like the tippler's paradise, but it is not a reflection of me. It has no warmth that beckons one home, neither does it have the gentle whisper lulling me into a smooth slumber. Too noisy, too interfering, too moralistic and too ancient for my liking. Ancient not even in a gratifying and delectable way like Calcutta.  After all, I have lived in Kerala only 5 years and the occasional visits home won't even add up to 6 months.

Bangalore has no soul and could not keep me there for more than 2.5 years. After which I felt the stirrings to run away. It had just become another cookie cutter metro that made be gasp for breath every living day.

Then came along Hyderabad. It is too much of a feudalistic state to even stick around. A place where gang fights rule and corruption and seeped into its very bone marrow. A place that boasts more than it ever delivers and makes u feel creepy all over. My heart just couldn't find its life line here.

Everywhere I go I seek the soul that will tempt me to stay, nurture it and make it my home, cultivate friendships, lifelong ones. Not the sort that u keep just to while away time. I don't feel at home any where. Is it because I don't have friendships and people that make me stay?  Will I always be a wanderer in search of my hot spring? Can any place be a reflection of at least few things me?

Unravelling the past

Who am I?? What am I?? I have no clue.. Sometimes I realise no one from my past is there in my future and that makes me fret.
They were a part of what defined me, what made me to a certain extent what I'm today.. yet most of them have no part in my tomorrow.

Is that unnerving.. I sometimes think so... because it makes me lose track of my past as I go hurtling towards the future - often tumbling down the alley.

To tie the knots of the past cord and future skein, I feel the need. I don't want two disjoint souls within me, each without the knowledge of the other, yet determining my choices and tastes...

Leaving a trail

Figuring out when one will get over a lost one is impossible. Each one leaves a trail in your life and heart impossible to scrub away... a piece of you they have taken away when they decide to walk away...

Maybe I'll know for sure when I stop looking at midnight-blue sedans and then looking around at the number plate...

Slowly but surely, my heart will stop to skip a beat when it sees such a car rolling by.

Cash on my mind..!!!!

Money is such a dangerous thing.... the less i have, the more i want and the more i have, the even more i crave... I have turned rapacious and will soon become disingenuous... What can put an end to this i wonder... ??

Bingeing on junk!

As I stepped of my pink-mithai coloured office into the lobby, a poster of a man who had worked for this office caught my eye. He died. Got me thinking... about exercise.

Do I fear death? I think somewhere I do... for the only reason that I have not had my share of fame, and maybe if I were to die now.. no one would know unless the stench emanates from my room....

And I definitely do not want that...

So I hope to begin this new year on a healthy note.. exercise and eat what ever junk I find.. at least it is balanced... This is pretty much how singledom is..